Who's in the Driver's Seat of your Life?

It is true, I will admit it: for years I wanted to live a big bold, blow it out of the water life.  And I did!  It was fun...until it wasn’t.  After being with my big, bold, famous, blow it out of the water, fiancé for a couple of years, things started not feeling so great.  I ended up with health challenges, debilitating fatigue and depression. I sought help from many medical professionals: allopathic physicians, acupuncturists, chiropractors, holistic doctors. I prayed, I meditated, I went to retreats, I did cleanses, treatments, pills, herbs, vitamins...you name it I tried it.  But nothing worked. I still felt horrible, sick and sad.

Then I stumbled on one of those magical books changes your perception of life, and yourself, forever: “Coming Home: The Return to True Self.”  I was fortunate enough to find the author, Martia Nelson, and experienced a life altering session with her.  She said to me “Tammi, your ego wants this big, bold, blow it out of the water life, because it mistakenly believes THAT is what it will take for you to feel vibrantly, vitally alive.  But what your soul and True Self wants is to go into the realm of subtleties.” Martia invited me to surrender to my soul. I thought to myself: “Crap! No!  Say it isn’t so!”  I loved LA!  I loved shopping on Rodeo Drive, I loved red carpets and private jets!  Well...at least my ego did.

In the end I had no choice but to surrender. My health and my soul insisted.  My ego begrudgingly got into the back seat of the car of my life, and my soul slipped into the driver’s seat and firmly took a hold of the steering wheel.  And yes, life took a very different direction. My famous fiancé, replaced me and I went back to school.  I began to study subtle holistic practices: Cranial Sacral, Polarity Balancing, Hypnotherapy and Spiritual Psychology.  Though my ego did not like much of what was going on, I believe my soul celebrated. As a bonus, I started feeling healthier, more present and more alive.

I began to see, feel, and experience life very differently.  The colors took on deeper and richer hues, I began to notice the birds, the clouds - and people! For so many years, without even realizing it, my ego was saying “look at me!  Aren’t I pretty? Aren’t I great?”  Now what I found myself naturally doing was, “Wow look at you!  You are beautiful!  Aren’t you AMAZING?”  My life went from “What can I get, to what can I give.” And I have to say, it feels so much better!

Today I no longer struggle with my health, I feel vibrantly, vitally, wonderfully alive.  And though I love an occasional dinner with friends in Beverly Hills, or a nice party, for the most part live a pretty quiet life with my “soul chosen” husband. I write books, I have a counseling practice, I do a radio show.  I enjoy feeding the ducks and the humming birds. I love kissing elk and hugging horses.  I paint, I teach, and yes, I stop to smell the roses. In other words, I live in the realm of the subtleties.  Another thing I have found, is that there is magic, miracle, sparkles, beauty, deep love and great joy in this realm! 

What I know for sure is inviting my soul to lead is what lead me to this place.  Another thing I know, is surrendering to ones soul can be scary, full of unexpected twist and turns and disorienting adventures. It takes courage and faith to go into the mystery of unchartered territory, but in the end to be fully vibrantly alive we MUST be in partnership with our soul.

So, are you partnered up with your soul and True Self? Or are you still trying to figure things out by yourself, and from the level of your ego and  intellect?  Are you more concerned about what you can get or what you can give?  Are you still seeking “big and bold” in order to feel alive, or are in touch with the realm of subtitles?  

My hope and prayer for you is that you are feeling joyful, “on track” and vibrantly, vitally wonderfully alive!