Monday, April 24, 2017

Self-Pity verses Self-Compassion

When life hurts and things aren’t going our way, it is easy to feel alone, sad, and believe we are not supported by the Universe. In other words, it’s compelling to fall into a state of self-pity.

One of the biggest problems with self-pity, is it keeps us stuck and in pain, and pretty much guarantees nothing will change.  A healthier option is opening your mind and heart to the practice of self-compassion.  By contrast, self-compassion is healing, soothing, empowering and transformational.

When we boil it down self-pity is a victim posture. Self-pity is imbued with an attitude that “life is not fair” and "bad things are happening TO me." Once we step in to self-compassion, we can start to open our mind to the possibility that life is a “learning opportunity” and understanding "life is happening FOR me!" It is accepting that our challenges are designed to help us evolve, expand and grow as spiritual beings having human experience.

Having compassion is choosing acceptance, understanding and kindness, rather than condemning, criticizing and judging. It indicates the “mature awareness” that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part and parcel of this shared human experience.

It seems unfortunate that we tend to learn more from our mistakes and failures than our easy successes.  And to learn to love ourselves as we trip, fall, and get up again, may very well be the greatest achievement we can claim for ourselves as otherworldly beings having this earthly experience.

What I know for sure is that we did not incarnate as humans to be perfect, we incarnated to learn the lessons of love, and for these lessons to be authentic, we need to build our lives on the solid foundation of self-respect, self-compassion and self-love. 

Self-love and self-compassion go hand in hand. Self-compassion means you care about yourself and that you honor and accept your humanness: messes, mistakes, vulnerabilities, flaws, limitations, boo-boos, warts and all. 

 To hold ourselves to an impossible standard of perfection is impossible, painful & DESTRUCTIVE. What is more CONSTRUCTIVE an attitude of kindness, love & acceptance.

Accepting disappointments and struggles as a normal part of life and choosing to treat ourselves kindly throughout our challenges can help us navigate and transcend our challenges as well as positively affect every aspect our lives. 

Things You Can Do To Cultivate Self-Compassion:

Set a self-compassion intention: Open your mind and state to yourself and the Universe you are intending and committing to be kinder and more compassionate with yourself. Many of my students and clients have said this was the most important thing they have learned from me. Once something is on our radar and once we set the intention, life can start to show up in a way that is supportive and helps us manifest our intentions. 

Talk to yourself as you would a cherished friend: Look in the mirror and say something like: I know that things are hard for you right now, I am sorry you are having to go through this. Life can be painful, but you are awesome, lovable and important. Everything is going to be OK because God is on our side.

Be mindful of what is going on in your mind: Pay attention to your self-talk. If you are not being nice to you, set an intention and start being more kind.  Our outer lives shows up as a reflection of our inner reality. If you want life to be kind to you, you must be kind to yourself.

Be good to yourself: Allow yourself to rest when you are tired, rather than pushing yourself. Ask yourself what honors you and follow through rather than forcing, pressing and/or “choking things down.” Take good care of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs.  If you want life to be good to you, you must be good to yourself.  

Take responsibility:  No more blame game. Don't look around at the circumstances of your life and tell yourself, or anyone else, that it is all someone else's fault. This is how you ensure nothing will change. Consider how you created this reality for yourself, while also being very loving, empathetic and kind. Reassure yourself you are learning, and now going to make different kinds of choices so you can have a different kind of future. 

Forgive yourself: Let yourself off the hook for any perceived mistakes you may have made. Forgive yourself as you would forgive a child that has fallen down as they were learning to walk. Tell yourself beneath it all you are perfectly in process, the child in Whom God is well pleased, on the right track and heading the right direction. There is NOTHING you could do that would make God not love you. Now set the intention to forgive and love yourself.

Surround yourself with compassionate, uplifting and supportive people: Sometimes we need to ask for what we need, and we all have different friends for different reasons. Do you know anyone in your circle that is kind? A good listener and empathic? Get in touch with them and have an authentic conversation. Perhaps tell them you are doing your best to learn how to be more kind to yourself and you appreciate their example of kindness. This can be a catalyst for a lovely, healing and empowering conversation. 

Talk to and listen to your inner child: Often, when we are in pain, there is a wound from an earlier time in our life that is being touched upon. Communicating with compassion to this younger aspect can help us get on more solid ground within ourselves, and give us a new sense of clarity, peace and equanimity. 

Talk to God: Write Him/Her a letter and have an honest conversation. Then be open to what God may want to say in return. I have interviewed several peopled and read dozens of books from those who have had near death experiences. One thing they all say, is that God has immense love and compassion for each and every one of us. We do not have to die to open our hearts and minds to this healing experience and compassionate supportive relationship. Talk, listen, and cultivate this relationship.

Ask for otherworldly support: I sense there are millions of otherworldly lightworkers, angels and guides just on the other side of our earthly veil, encouraging us with respect and compassion. They want to support us with anything and everything we need. However, we live on a planet of free will and choice, therefore, we need to ask, relax, believe and receive.  So what do you want? Now ask for an angel for their guidance, help and assistance. 

Get human support: Set an intention to find the perfect therapist, counselor, or minister for you. There are professionals who deal in the arena of psychological, emotional and spiritual support. Ask around, do your research, and find someone who feels like a fit for you. What I know for sure, is when the student is ready the teacher appears. 

Meditation: Spending time in the peaceful place within can be profoundly healing. It gives our beta brainwaves, monkey mind, and fearful way of being a break, and allows the slower, soothing alpha, theta brainwaves waves to happen, as well as the energy of the heart to come more fully present. Meditation can help us experience a sense of calm, and access the still small voice within. It has been said, prayer is talking to God, meditation is listening. This is by far the most healing practice I have ever taken responsibly for. If you want to make positive changes, this is likely the most powerful thing you can do for yourself.
Guided Meditations and/or Hypnosis: There are 1000’s guided meditations available for countless reasons. Guided meditations are a powerful way to make friends with your subconscious mind and help you change your life from the inside out. You can do a google search and see what comes forward that resonates for you. Additionally, I would like to gift you with my “Self Compassion Guided Meditation.”  Just be in touch with me at and I will email you the MP3.  

By virtue of experimenting with these simple steps and participating with these accessible exercises, you can naturally open to inner healing, greater self-compassion, self-love and self-acceptance. 

We are all in this human adventure together, and the more we accept and have compassion for ourselves, the more natural it is to have it for others. This is how we become a force of healing, love and transformation in the world.

Do your part to the make the world a kinder and more compassionate place, by being kinder and more compassionate with yourself.

Sending you blessings of grace, ease, peace, respect, appreciation and great love,

Tammi Baliszewski, Ph.D.

P.S. I invite you to be in touch with me at to receive the Self-Compassion Guided Meditation, ask questions, express thoughts, make a prayer request, or anything else you would like to share. You are in my heart, meditations and prayers. 

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