The Inner Child and Our Adult Relationships

Everyone wants to be happy and in love. So why after we meet that someone special does the drama set in? It seems as soon as the honeymoon phase is over, often romantic partnerships start to include the unpleasant qualities of drama and confusion. Even the most magical connections that start with instant recognition, fireworks and intoxicating joy, shift and evolve to also contain elements of hurt feelings, disillusionment and pain. In truth, pain is the most powerful gift of partnership. Relationships are not necessarily meant to have us live happily ever after, but to have the places inside that hurt be exposed for the opportunity for soul level healing. However, most people weren't taught this - or how to take advantage of the powerful gift of pain.

Anytime we are in a great deal of upset, there is a line of energy going back to an earlier time in our lives when we experienced hurt or disappointment. However, rather than addressing past hurts the tendency is to fight, argue, blame and defend our position in the present. The key to shift from drama and chaos to peace and happiness is the Inner Child.

As children we all have been hurt - even in the happiest of homes. Anytime we did not get our needs met, were not validated, felt abandoned, did not feel safe, supported or loved we experience an "emotional wounding." This wounding can stunt our growth and we start to collect our backpack of hurts. As adults, most have a significant collection of emotional trauma and are carrying around overstuffed, heavy backpacks of pain - even if they do not know it or cannot consciously recall the details of when, where or what caused it.

As a counselor I frequently work with couples that are experiencing challenges. Often couples in distress play the blame game, vie for power and fight to be right. They want to be heard but don't necessarily want to hear. My job is to support them in really listening to each other and then give them tools to bring peace, understanding and a sense of connection back to their relationship.

An example of the inner children affecting an adult relationship happened with my clients James and Linda. Linda often felt that James was not making her a priority. He would go golfing with his buddies but rarely had the desire or inclination to schedule time to do something special with her. This made Linda very angry. James in turn felt they spent a lot quality time together and wondered why Linda was making such a big deal about him having his guy time. He was confused, frustrated and hurt. Something I know to be true is underneath anger is hurt and underneath hurt is love. Since Linda was feeling the more intense emotion at this time I wanted her to speak first. As she explained what she was feeling, James started to defend himself. I told him for now his job was simply to bepresent and to listen.

I proceeded to ask Linda more questions: "Linda what does it bring up for you when James makes plans to spend the day with his friends." Linda responded: "I feel unimportant and disregarded." Then I asked Linda to remember an earlier time in her life when she felt this way. "Well, as a teenager I felt my boyfriend liked his guy friends better than me." I asked Linda to go back even further: "When is the very first time you remember feeling this way?" Linda was quiet for a moment, then her eyes began to fill with tears. "When my father told me he and my mother were getting a divorce. He promised he would come see me every week and that he still loved me. But he didn't come see me every week. Soon he remarried and had my half-brother. I never felt like my dad loved me as much as him." Tears were now streaming down her face. I asked how old she was when this happened, she told me she was seven. James heart opened in understanding and compassion.

Next I asked James to focus on his experience in this situation. What did he feel when Linda got upset about him hanging out with the guys. He said sad and frustrated. I asked him to follow that line of energy back to the first time he remembered feeling this way. He said he was probably eleven. James told us his mother would often make him include his younger sister when he wanted to hang out with his friends. He told us this made him feel embarrassed in front of his friends but also afraid because he did not want to disappoint his mother. We soon found out this dynamic had very little to do with golf and had everything to do with one another's wounds being touched and provoked. This situation reduced Linda to a hurt and abandoned seven year old and James to an ashamed and fearful eleven year old. As we explored these past hurts more deeply Linda and James started to have compassion and understanding for their inner children, for themselves and for each other. From this more aware place a great healing occurred and they were easily able to find ways to take responsibility for themselves and make plans to include each other.

Linda and James now have the awareness and tools to support themselves when hurt comes up. The first step is to "self sooth" which means to get in touch with the part of inside of themselves that needs attention. An easy way to do this is simply ask this question inwardly: "How old am I now" and "who inside of me needs my love and attention?" It is always a younger aspect of oneself. The second step is to listen to what the Inner Child has to say. What do they want? How you can take care of them and help them feel better right now. This simple two step process can support us in not only stabilizing mentally and healing emotionally but to evolve spiritually. When we unravel pain from the bottom up and from the inside out the natural byproduct is to see life, and our relationships, from a much clearer, cleaner and healthier perspective.

Once this simple exercise has been completed a more adult conscious conversation with ones partner can ensue. This conversation is best addressed as open ended questions and deep listening. Some examples might include "How are you feeling? What is coming up for you now? What is beneath this?" Remember beneath anger is hurt and beneath hurt is love. In order to go deeper and get down through the layers of anger and pain and back to love, it is important to be present, hold space, ask questions and listen. Learning to communicate through upset becomes a powerful healing opportunity and more about understanding, learning and listening than being right, being heard and winning.

Another simple technique I sometimes suggest is finding an object such as a stuffed animal, a crystal or a "talking stick." When one person is in possession of this symbol, they get to talk; the other can only listen, ask questions and/or be silent. Once that person feels heard, understood and are complete, the symbol can be handed off to the other and it is their turn to share their thoughts and feelings. This is a very different way of communicating and a powerful way of coming back to connection, understanding, respect and love.

Relationships can be hard, but they don't have to be. Once we cultivate a conscious relationship with our Inner Child, we no longer need another to be any different than they are or validate us in order for us to feel loved, because we know how to do it for ourselves. When we know how to take responsibility for ourselves, acknowledge ourselves, love ourselves and take care of our Inner Child we are on more solid ground within and we become more whole. This simple practice reduces the pressure and expectations we place on our partner, and renders us more capable of unconditional love, acceptance and peace. From this more healed and whole place heartfelt connections are more easily maintained, appreciation is more present, respect is natural and intimacy can flourish.

To learn more about the Inner Child listen to Dr. Tammi's interview with Cathryn Talor, best selling author of "The Inner Child Workbook" copy and paste this link to your browser
http://www.empoweradio.com/home/shows/journey-to-center/journey-show-info/41967-February-2012---Cathryn-Taylor-Your-Inner-Child.html

The Gift of Tears

As a Holistic Life Counselor I often support people in navigating through the confusing terrain of grief. During the healing journey deep sadness can bubble up as suppressed emotion from the past, or by virtue of a current situation which can unleash an unexpected river of tears. Last week one of my clients was in a great deal of pain and my advice to her was: "Do not fight or suppress your tears, allow them to wash through you. Relax into your feelings without resistance and eventually you will get to the other side." I wholeheartedly agree with Gary Zukav who has said: "Tears are the healing balm to the soul." However, it is potentially compelling to deny our tears, build walls around our hearts and distract ourselves from pain, because it hurts to hurt.

Pain is part of life - a basic ingredient of the human experience. Carl Jung has said: "Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering." Many people walking around on planet Earth are in pain and attempt to ignore, avoid or deny it. Unexpressed emotion can cause a disconnection within oneself and create a sense of detachment. It renders us incapable of authentic empathy or compassion for ourselves or others. It can leave us feeling dull and seeing our lives through a haze or gray fog.  As we attempt to squelch our pain, we also limit our ability to see the vibrant colors of joy. 

Many of us grew up hearing big kids don't cry. For some, tears may be perceived as sign of weakness or vulnerability. Hurts that were too much to bear as a young person can be locked away in the closet of the subconscious, take up residence in our psyche and control our lives from behind the scenes. My advice to anyone who will listen is: "Tears are a gift. Whenever they present themselves, let them flow. Accepting and allowing them without resistance can heal us on a very deep level." In Eastern traditions, the element of water is associated with emotion, which is meant to flow without obstruction. The shedding of tears can be a release for what is too much to sustain in the body, mind and heart. When feelings or emotions become frozen or crystallized in the energy field it can cause harm in multiple ways.

Earlier this week I had the opportunity to take my own advice. I received a phone call and was informed a peripheral girlfriend had been murdered. The news was shocking and utterly heartbreaking. The cord of pain struck deeper notes as additional details emerged. My friend was shot by her husband, who then turned the gun on himself. Their four young children looked on as their parents fought, which escalated and crescendoed in death. I hung up the phone in shock. I reviewed all of my memories.  I have worked with abused women and although this woman was not a client, I did not recall any tell-tale signs or red flags in her behavior or their relationship.  As I sat down dizzy with the news, I felt my heart begin to shatter into a trillion pieces. No sense can be made of such a tragic situation, the only thing I could do was cry. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I wanted to escape, but there was no place I could go that would minimize the pain. And so, I acquiesced to my anguish, and I wept.

The following day a friend reminded me pain and tragedy is a part of life and this dear sweet girl is in heaven and in the arms of God. He spoke to me of truth; that each person in this situation has their own curriculum and we cannot begin to understand what that might be. Though I knew his words were the "Truest Truth," they did not soothe or comfort me. Perhaps in a week or two that will be the message my heart longs to hear. But for now I give myself permission to surrender to the grief and allow my tears to flow.

Marianne Williamson has a wonderful quote: "If you have 100 tears to cry 98 will not be enough." Allowing all of our tears to fall is vital if we are to be healthy, happy and whole. Being fully human means be able to experience the full spectrum of emotions. I am certain most of us would prefer to avoid suffering, but if we do not only do we risk neurosis, we lose access to our inner compass and the alignment to our own heart and soul.

When we avoid feeling hurt and pain we also limit our ability to experience to authentic happiness, connection and true love. What I know from having experienced loss and supporting others in walking through grief is it can be a gift. Acknowledging and processing our deep pain can refine, hone and help us become more empathetic, compassionate, loving, soulful beings. It can increase our ability to be fully present with another as they walk through their own pain. Fully allowing our grief can open our hearts and assist us in being of greater service in the world. It also keeps us open to experiencing and embracing the higher realms of vibration such as gratitude, faith, wonder, celebration, magic, miracles and joy.

So the next time you feel the sting of tears threatening the back of your eyes, remember they are not your enemy or something to suppress or ignore. Instead they are your friends, a gift and important companions on this human journey. Tears are the healer of hurts, the tangible expression of emotion and the redeemer of angst. The release of all your tears can help clear confusion and lift the heavy gray clouds of grief so you can, in time, see all the brilliant, spectacular colors of the rainbow and reclaim the experience of being truly, vitally and vibrantly alive.

For more about emotions, listen to my conversation with spiritual teacher, Chuck Danes, at: http://www.empoweradio.com/home/shows/journey-to-center/journey-show-info/29384-February-2012---Chuck-Danes-What-your-Relationship-with-your-Emotions.html

The Shift

Do you feel there is change in the air?  A significant shift happening?  On my radio program “Journey to Center” on Empoweradio.com I have interviewed astrologers, healers, teacher and experts and they all confirm this is true.   The big question is do you feel it?   And how is it affecting you? 

For me it is showing up in some unexpected ways.  I had a studio/gallery and private counseling practice in Idaho, my neighbors were not loving me and there seemed to be other “hints” from the universe that maybe it was time to consider letting it go.  My husband suggested I put it on the market just to “see what would happen.”  I thought perhaps we would sell it in the spring.  Maybe you have heard, for the most part real estate is not moving, things are slow and somewhat depressed.  Imagine my surprise when we got an offer two days after we put it on the market - and then a bidding war.  We were in escrow within a week.  Now my studio/gallery is gone.  What?  What just happened and what do I do now? 

I am now getting to explore and consider what I really, really want.  Where do I want to put my energy,  focus and intentions?  I have recently said, “I am not where I have been, and I am not where I am going, I am kind of in the uncomfortable in between state,”  and my strong intention is to make friends with what is and affirm frequently that I am shifting and expanding in grace, ease, acceptance and joy.

What comes to mind is a vision of the caterpillar becoming the butterfly, that in between stage the where the creature is literally liquid inside of his chrysalis, no longer a caterpillar, but not yet the butterfly, and if you were to crack open the chrysalis during this in between state, it actually looks like water.  It is an amazing and mysterious process of shift and transformation.   

Are you like me and feeling a little like liquid?  If so, just know you can give yourself permission to relax, be patient and set the intention for clarity.  The liquid state is not the time to press, push or attempt to fly.  I am patiently and faithfully allowing this process of transformation and for my wings to form.  Then when it is time, I will emerge from my chrysalis, rested, refreshed and allowing the gust of wind to gently  lift me up and carry me to my next adventure!  I hope you will join me! 

For more about “The Shift”  listen to my radio interview with Jim Self: 

http://www.empoweradio.com/home/shows/journey-to-center/journey-show-info/1184-October-2011---Jim-Self-Shift-Expert.html


Please be in touch and let me know your thoughts how you are feeling and what you are doing.  Blessings of peace, grace, ease and love.

Loss

Loss, is never easy, especially if we have a strong attachment to someone or something.  I recently lost my duck Afflack (affectionately known as Flacky by my family and me) and spiraled into grief.  I knew he wasn’t much longer for this world.  My research revealed that Ducks tend to live 7 or 8 years and he was at least 7.  Arthritis contorted his legs and feet and made it difficult for him to walk.  As I watched him stumble around the pond towards the end of his life, my eyes would fill with tears.  It is painful to witness those we love struggle.  However, loss and pain is a part of life on planet Earth, and as much as it hurts, if we can make friends with these experiences, (or at least relax our resistance to them) the tears, hurt, and grief can flow through us, rather than get stuck in our physical, mental and emotional bodies.   

One thing is for sure, everything here is temporary.  I have the image of us as a part of a cosmic soup, part of Spirit. We bubble up and put on our skin, fur or feather suits; we play and flail about for a while, then bubble back into Spirit.  But  from this side of the bubbling, it feels like a great loss when someone dissolves back into that other realm. 

A few years back I lost a dear friend to suicide.  I knew he had been in great pain and thought I could help soothe his angst.  When he made that decision, not only did I feel like a failure as a friend, I felt like I had lost a  touchstone to love; the same feeling I have now with the loss of my duck.  My friends were worldly representations of love, and when they were suddenly gone…I felt they had taken my love with them.  This is the core of grief – being separated from love.

The Course of Miracles say, only the love is real, everything else is an illusion.  So whether we are losing a friend to death, divorce or otherwise, only the love matters…only the love is real.  My friends may no longer be here in physical form for me to hug, but they still do exist and so does the love.  I occasionally feel the sting of tears at the back of my eyes but unlike certain losses from my past, I don’t resist the tears.  I let them flow through me, and I consciously connect to the love, respect, gratitude and reverence in my heart for these special beings.  My tears have become like free flowing prayers. 

Even though I know what I know, loss hurts, pain hurts.  However, I am not adding to that pain by suppressing my tears, ignoring my pain, or putting challenging emotions in the closet and locking the door.  Suppressed emotions, and unshed tears, can rule our lives from the shadows and put a blanket of gray haze over our lives.  This tactic is often the cause of disease, unease in our bodies. Tears are not the enemy, they are our friends.  In fact, according to Gary Zukav “tears are the healing balm to the soul.”

So today I celebrate my friends, those still in physical form and those who have blended into Spirit.  I am also rinsing my soul off in the process.  If you are reading this, I want to thank you for being a part of my Earthly experience.  Let’s flail, dance and play for a while, and let’s allow the tears flow when they present themselves.  And may you experience a whole,  loving, rich, and fully-lived life.

Change One Belief

Buddha has said the world is a manifestation of our minds. What we think and what we believe creates our reality, so when we change our beliefs, we can change our world as well as the trajectory of our lives.


Years ago when I was asked if the world a safe a loving place or not I immediately answered “NO” with great conviction. My life had been filled with plenty of proof loss, betrayal, lies and abandonment, nope, definitely not safe. Then a teacher I respected a great deal, Dr. Ron, shared with me his perception of God and the universe, he described God as: “My very, very best friend who wanted the very, very best for me”. Ron told me he felt safe, loved and very protected at all times. I thought, wow, what must that feel like? Then Ron said, “You can’t know unless you open your mind to that possibility”. So I decided I consciously chose to change my belief, if only temporarily, and be like something like a spiritual scientist. I reasoned if things did not work out, I could always go back to this other way of being that was clearly not working for me.


So one night, I lit a candle and chose to invite Spirit in relax and trust that I was loved and all was well. The Universe responded in kind, I was soon met with miracles, grace, and manifested a great job two days later. I am happy to report I never did go back to that other way of being.


William James has said: “Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.” As human beings we have free will and choice, we have the incredible opportunity to choose what we want to believe - and what we believe we will eventually experience. It is easy to get sucked into the drama and fear if we watch the news, or read statistics and reports about the economy, but we have a choice, and those choices are backed with incredible power.


Another belief I consciously changed was my opinion about relationships. I grew up in a home where I saw a lot of fighting, disrespect, discord and eventually divorce. I think I made a decision very early on that relationships are hard, and ultimately they do not work. So, guess what I experienced as I got older? Lots and lots of challenging, painful and unsuccessful relationships. One day someone said to me he knew he had met his wife, because things were easy Easy? It never occurred to me that a relationship could be easy! So I opened my mind to the possibility and then looked for examples of those kinds of relationships. I only found two, but that was enough to open my mind to the possibility. I created and ideal scene to manifest a husband and included the fun and easy part. have since manifested that relationship and 10 years later it is still fun and easy! I know if I did not change my belief about men and relationships, I would not have manifested this incredible partnership.


I personally know how changing a belief can change your life, so when I heard about an opportunity to submit a story about how changing a belief changed you life for a book, I knew I had to do it. Bob Burnham is creating an anthology about this very subject. You can listen to my interview with him on Empower Radio by clicking this link: http:// www.empoweradio.com/home/shows/journey-to-center/journey-show-info/876-June-2011---Author-Bob-Burnam-Tools-For-Writing-and-Publishing-Your-Own-Book.html




So, if you have a great story about how you changed a belief and it changed your life, check out www.changeonebelief.com and share it, you have no idea how you might be able to uplift and inspire another. And if accepted you will have the title “Amazon Best Selling Author” to add your resume!